Depth of Depression
What does depression mean?
The definition of depression is a common and serious mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest in activities, according to the Mayo Clinic. The meaning of depression to me is when the weight of the universe is on my shoulders and suffocating me. It feels like you have sunk to the bottom of the ocean and you can’t move or breathe. You can feel the sinking feeling set in over time. This feeling is so hard to shake once it grabs you. You feel as if nothing will shake this deep feeling.
Every tunnel has another side to it. You go into the darkness not knowing if there is light on the other side of it. In the beginning, you don’t know if anyone has been in that space. I can say that there are thousands, even millions, of people that feel the same way.
When did it start?
I am going to give the short version of when depression started for me. After experiencing childhood sexual abuse, I felt used and worthless. The following years would be a roller-coaster no one can prepare for. I can not explain the depth that comes with depression. It is the ten Mariana Trenches deep, at least that is how it feels to me. I would not wish this on anyone, including my enemies.
Childhood
My childhood was filled with good memories and some adventures. I remembered the Disney Cruiseliner trip we did. It was fun to see how Disney brought movie characters to life. Then we traveled to my grandma’s house in Colorado from Arizona. The four corners spot is very unique and interesting. I would like to visit it again someday.
Teen years
I tried to fit in and explore who I was and wanted to be. I do not miss my teen years. I am glad we only go through high school once in life. I love learning, but high school was more than just learning. The teachers did their job and got us somewhere ready for the world and/ or college.
College years
I began to find the path I wanted to be on as a writer and artist. I also found the love of my love, he is completely wonderful and sweet to me. I did not like a few of my professors. Some would say they would help and they didn’t. It is hard to appreciate people when they treat you like second class or just beneath them. I choose to drop out and focus on making a life I want to live.
Relationships
I continue to work on my important relationships in my life. I love my sweet Hubby bear, Kevin. We have been together for 6 ½ years. I love how goofy I get when I get sad. He is a giant teddy bear as a human being and I adore his sweet kisses. I know he feels the same way.
I love the relationships I have with my parents. I can call them and see them when I need to. I can lean on them for advice and answers to some of my questions. Their hard-working, determined, dedicated, and confident skills were passed down to me. It took some time to become confident, but I remain as a humble being. I am always ready to learn and gain knowledge.
In remembrance of my grandparents on my father’s side, I will not stop being a writer and artist. They were able to do what they loved to do as their career. I have some of my grandpa’s art supplies and some of my grandma’s beautiful jewelry. Their ideas of deep creativity is definitely a trait I have inherited. On cloudy days, when the clouds look like they are painted; I wonder if my grandpa painted them. On sunny days I think the beams of light pointing near my plants is a sign of my grandma.
Goals
Starting with my writing career; I need to finish, edit, and publish my next book. Moving to my art, I feel like I can make whatever I need or what. I have a wall covering my art collection. I try to learn something new everyday. I want to share my ideas and stories in the form of books. I might be able to get a real publisher someday.
Hopes and dreams
I want to travel the world and discover what I have seen on screen. For example, traveling through Europe and Asia would be incredible. Travelling to more of the United States would be fun. I will take photos for my trips, just so I can share them with other people.
What I know that doesn’t work for me and what does work for me?
I know that when I get overwhelmed and stressed, I can’t be crowded by people. There are times where I need to be alone to calm down and focus. Most times I can slow down and calm down. I can lean on my love and he comforts me. I give myself time to use different coping skills like meditating and breathing. I use music to calm myself down as well.
Best Advice
I will give the same advice my father gave me, “Find what makes you happy and keep doing it. Even if you only have five minutes for it, do it.” Also, self-love and self-care are very important to surviving on this crazy planet.
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